Colin Kantzor: At first, I was just going to openly ask what the deal is with bad tattoos, which seem to be all the rage ("Awesome tattoo! What is it?" "It's a star and then a really long, thin line that arcs over here to a pork chop with pollen on it." "Oh, so why is there a paragraph-end mark by your thumb?" "Uh... that's a separate tattoo, idiot."), but then I realized I have the power to call "over" on the whole shebang!
Whee!
Brian Knapsack: Don't get me started on tattoos! DON'T GET ME STARTED!!!!
In my ideal world, you're only allowed to have a tattoo if you're a dude who's in or been in:
1. prison
2. a biker gang
3. the military, but you have to have actually killed at least 1 person
If you're a woman, you're only allowed to have a tattoo in comedy movies, the joke being "Wow, a chick with a tattoo, that's hilarious."
Also? I think you got me started.
Carlyle Mendoza: I don't have that much of a problem with the concept of tattoos, but living in Williamsburg and the East Village has decreased my tolerance of the tattooed. I was admiring this woman's dachshund on Bedford when I was shocked to see a cheesy portrait of the same dog (or its predecessor) tattooed on her calf.
Really? Your dog? I guess.
Blubell Abernathy: I do really dig tattoos. I might get one.
But I love really awful tattoo stories in the worst way. I saw a girl on the train (in Queens, natch) with a tattoo of fries and a shake on the back of her upper arm. Not even specific fries and a shake... some generic brand. With a squiggle of color on the front. Like you got them from the cafeteria.
WHY WOULD YOU GET A TATTOO OF THAT?
Mildred Darling: So you're saying I shouldn't go forward with my "Snack snack" tattoo idea? [Mildred's dog is named Snack.—ed.] Come on, it'll be so cute for five minutes!!!!!
(I like tattoos too.)
Emmaline Dooridley: I feel like there are a lot more neck tattoos than there used to be. I saw a WalMart checkout girl a few years back with PROPERTY OF STEVEN written right across her jugular. She was about 17. I wanted to take her home and raise her right.
Brian Knapsack: I know a Williamsburg hipster girl who intended to get "Virginia" (her home state) tattooed on her arm or something. The tattoo came out saying "Virgina." At first the girl was pissed but now she likes it. Kind of in the same way I imagine burn victims must eventually become okay with their gnarled, pink, hairless faces.
Rita Muldoon: I met this tardo white power skinhead years ago that had intended to get "whitebreed" tattooed on his arm but accidentally got "whitebread." The great part is that either one of those choices is completely retarded.
This clown also has the white power band "skrewdriver" tattooed on his FOREHEAD. well, to be fair, Isn't that so adorable?
Alistair Kestral: I think it would be cute if Mildred got a tattoo portrait of Snack, with Snack saying "Racial Holy War."
Pooch Lakeridge: I like tattoos alright. I am not a solid enough decision maker to get one though. Sometimes I see one that is really cool or cute and think "Oooh. I want that." But then I remind myself of the nose ring I've wanted since 8th grade (just a tiny little stud on the side of the nostril) that I've never gotten because I didn't think I could pull it off and for other snot-related reasons.
That being said, I have known so many douches who were really into tattoos. My best friend from college's husband was one of them. He got a tattoo of the letter M on his arm. We asked him why and he was like "that's been a really significant letter in my life". To this day that is one of the stupidest things anyone has ever said aloud in my presence.
Don Ameche: When he raises his arm, and the M becomes a W, does he lose his identity?
