Emmaline Dooridley: Does anyone else's mom start a conversation normally, then get into a 15-minute tangent about three people she works with whom you've never met? And it's not about the awesome vacation they had, or the harrowing jet ski accident they survived, but rather, how they once wanted a sandwich but couldn't find one? And you're wondering how to interrupt politely when she asks, "Hey Emmaline, do you work with a Jane Deere?" And you say, "Yes! I love Jane. She's produced a few of my shows." And she says, "Well she's getting married to John Fisher. It's in the Times. Do you want me to cut out the article?" And then you say, "Huh? That's okay Mom." And then she gets mad?
That happened to me once.
Pooch Lakeridge: This sounds like the fairy tale version of the conversations I have with Mama. The non sequitur thing is so insane though. And the going on and on and on. This would be the same conversation you speak of through Mama:
Mama: Well, Darlene at our church - she sings in the choir and has the most beautiful voice. As pretty as yours. Prettier probably. No definitely. Definitely prettier than yours. Anyway, she made this apricot/brie appetizer that was so good I could have eaten the whole thing. But she can't have a baby. It is so sad and we are just praying for her everyday. She is forty though. And the tiniest thing in the world. I mean, skinny like you used to be but with a darling figure that you've never had. A really big chest and a teensy little waist and just darling in every way.
Me: Okay. I should probably go...
Mama: Hey it was in the Rockdale Citizen today that Kelly Carrington is getting married. She is so pretty. I used to think that you were much prettier than her, but not anymore. Of course, she has stayed as tiny as she was in highschool. People are always asking me if you are still the same as high school and I tell them "heaven's no! She's put on so much weight. She's downright chubby now!" and we all just laugh and laugh. Anyway, do you want me to cut out Kelly's picture? You should do your hair like hers, although it won't look nearly as cute on you.
Me: No, Mama I don't.
Mama: Fine. I just won't try and do anything nice for you ever again then. Bye! (hangs up phone)
fin
Emmaline Dooridley: Lord. Our moms are the same. It's endearing/insane.
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