The Mojito Situation

The Best of Bruno's Posts on the Topic of "Officespeak", pt. 1

Someone just asked me if I had access to a pen.

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Who's RAMPING UP for a big day? Let's put this fucking shit on a RAMP and move upwards, shall we?

RAMP RAMP RAMP RAMP RAMP RAMP RAMP RAMP RAMP RAMP RAMP RAMP RAMP RAMP RAMP RAMP RAMP RAMP RAMP RAMP RAMP RAMP RAMP RAMP RAMP RAMP RAMP RAMP RAMP RAMP RAMP RAMP RAMP RAMP RAMP RAMP RAMP RAMP RAMP RAMP RAMP RAMP RAMP RAMP RAMP RAMP RAMP RAMP

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Oh my god! Don't talk to me until I've had my coffee, ok? Seriously, I haven't had my coffee and I cannot deal. I can't talk to anyone until I've had my coffee.

I'll go you one better. How about, just to be safe, I never talk to you?

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"I can drink a regular amount of coffee and be fine but if I overdo it... LITERALLY?... I get jittery."

wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwWOW.

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... because at the end of the day blobidee blibbidee hama hama gaehzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ ZZZZZZZ

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Thank you in advance. Allow me to advance my thanks towards you in advance of the good deeds that you will do for me that will, in turn, advance my fantastic agenda. Now aren't I such a nice person for giving you my thanks IN ADVANCE of your doing anything? I mean, most people would only thank you AFTER you did something but not me. I say, let him have my gratitude IN ADVANCE. Why make him wait for that beautifully ripe fruit? I humbly put myself in your debt IN ADVANCE. Because you will do it. You will, won't you? You will do what I ask because I say it will be so and for that, I THANK YOU IN ADVAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNNNCCCCCCCCCEEEEEE!

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Thanks for putting this in the pipeline!

Hey, no problem. I love putting things in the pipeline. It's a long line of pipe, to be sure, but I will insert it and push it through to the end where it will come out as a nice compact brown lump.

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I'm looking at an Excel spread that says "Market Penetration". *giggle*

I'm imagining my boss in a budget meeting, "right now the market is so fucking wet. unh!"

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"Hard stop" as in, "I have a hard stop at 3:30" meaning, "I have another obligation that requires me to leave at 3:30."

HARD STOP! STOP IT HARD! I AM GOING STOP SO HARD YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW! HARD HARD HARD! STOP STOP STOP! HARD STOP! YEAH!

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I hate that I use the phrase "touch base".

Hey, just wanted to touch base on that fucking retarded-ass thing that I don't give a goddamn shitcrap about. You're the base and I've touched it. Touch. Anyway. My work here is done. Right? It's not? OH COME ON! I TOUCHED THE BASE! WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME!?

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She: Are you a visual thinker?
Me: *finger up nose* GAEEEEEEEEEHHHHHHHHHHH

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Timesheet Whorebitch: *bitching at mailroom guy about who knows what* I have seven gazillion packages to get out by the end of the day. I'm not even exaggerating.

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Me: You wanna put your shoes back on, bro? What are we at a fucking Phish concert over here?

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A little Monday morning chit chat involving how our weekends were spent:

He: Oh, you know... I didn't do anything crazy, just kind of took it easy and relaxed.
Me: Cool. I did something crazy. *cold stare*

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Shoot me an email! BLAU BLAU Brrrrratdatdat! Hell yes we bust our guns! AOL 'til we die, nigga!

On Peter Cetera

Rita Muldoon: peter cetera's voice is like a speaking, struggling, tightened anus.

Brian Knapsack: Really? That's strange, I don't think Peter Cetera's voice is sexy at all.

Bruno and Pooch Share a Moment Over Pasta

Pooch Lakeridge: How can there be such terrible commercials in the world? Have y'all seen the one for Barrilla pasta plus? Here is the synopsis:

Andrea Bocelli-esque music plays (I think he is singing about pasta - gag)

A lady drives up to a beautiful Italian villa. Children come running to her as she gets out of the car as well as a similar looking woman (her sister perhaps?). They hug. Over by a tree is a handsome Eyetalian fella.

Spinster sister with hungry eyes:  Who's that?

Sister with children (not sure if she's married or what): He's our neighbor.  The children love him.

They exchange a knowing glance.

Cut to the kitchen.

Spinster sister with hungry eyes takes out a box of barrilla pasta plus (which the voiceover is telling us is chock full of vitabiscuits or something) while the other sister is cooking something. She looks at the box for a long, lingering moment.

Spinster sister with hungry eyes:  You're a really good mom.

Cut to the dinner table

Spinster sister with hungry eyes:  That meal was perfect.

Eyetalian fella (with great meaning):  Perfecto.

Fin

WTF??? The "You're a really good mom" line is what makes me a little insane, but the whole story with the sisters and the dude. I don't know what the balls is going on there. I think you see the one lady's husband at the beginning, and it seems like maybe they are trying to set up the Eyetalian fella with the sister, but still. There's a lot going on there that makes it seem like there is going to be a three way.

Bruno Curvy: Have you guys seen the Barilla Pasta ad?  It's, like, totally seconds away from breaking into full-on anal by the end.

Hot blonde visiting her sister's family in Italian countryside (I guess). The sister is no slouch either if you knowhatimsayinandithinkyoudo.

Handsome Italian dude off to the side... I think, raking leaves? (what the?)

Hot Blonde:  Whooooo's that?

Camera pans down to big, curvy bonerbulge in handsome dude's pants.

Cut to: Cooking in kitchen, kids charmingly underfoot.

Hot Blond (to sister):  You're such a good mom!

Cut to: Eating at the dinner table.

Everyone:  Fuckin' shitbitch, this is good in my mouth.

Cut to: tight shot of handsome Italian dude.  His gaze is undeniable.

Handsome Italian Dude: I am wanting to make sex with you six ways from the Sunday.

Cut to: Product shot with a moneyshot dripping down the side.

Rita Muldoon: UM HOLY FUCK. Is this a joke or did you not see Pooch's IDENTICAL post in the "What I'm Loathing" thread? The synergy of The Mojito Situation is kind of fucking frightening.

Bruno Curvy: Holy snaps.  We totally said the same damnass thing.  What is the dilly-o with that?

Pooch Lakeridge: I think the only explanation is these lyrics to Rod Stewart's classic "You're in My Heart"(I'm not sure if that's the actual title)

"You're in my heart, you're in my soul
You'll be my breath should I grow old
You are my lover, you're my best friend
You're in my soul"

The Amazing Adventures of Blubell's Pony, Summer Miracle

Blubell Abernathy: Summer Miracle, realizing she represents the budding sexuality of her owner, engages in a short lived and chaste romance at the barn dance with Buddy Bill, the new stud in town. Until the dance is interrupted by a fire at the mill! And Summer must race to save the girls at the sleepover next door!

Sheilanda Nickelsnort: Oh NO! Someone stole Buddy Bill's new saddle! Will Summer and Buddy team up to solve "The Case of the Missing Mount"? Or will Rancher Rivera have to sell Buddy to evil Rancher Rogers to pay for the new mill?

Blubell Abernathy: The Wheedlesons hire a new ranch hand, Hong Tran, and everyone suspects the newcomer of being shy. Summer and Buddy cross the cultural divide with the help of the town baker Jorge, just in time to help Hong solve the mystery of the missing tea set!

Alistair Kestral: While the girls are at school, Summer Miracle visits Mr. Dougherty's farm for some of the sweetest clover in town. But, Uh oh, look who else is there! It's Paul Kopp, the boy who never goes to school! He throws a rock at Summer Miracle, and the gang is out for blood!

Later, Paul falls into the quarry and Summer Miracle pulls him out. He apologises to Summer Miracle and he explains that he only acts the way he acts because he is savagely abused at home. Everybody wins!

Carlyle Mendoza: At recess, the girls get into an argument with identical twins Chrissy and Sissy Prissy over who has the prettiest horse. Before they know it, they've agreed to an after-school horse beauty pageant. It looks like Summer Miracle picked the wrong afternoon to munch on thistles! How are the girls going to comb the burrs out of her hair in time for the competition with the twins' glamorous fillies Creamfire and Dreamskate?

Blubell Abernathy: "It isn't Hallowe'en if we aren't celebrating at Joelle Gunderson's!"

Joelle Gunderson's tire swing has gone missing! Could it be. . . a ghost? It's enough to keep her from having her annual Hallowe'en party! Come along with Summer Miracle as she discovers just what's been making those strange noises in the Gunderson's barn, and she goes on a hay ride she'll never forget!

Sheilanda Nickelsnort: Oh, No! Annie Gonzales is missing from the senior home.  Again!  Ranch hand Jimmy Juniper's combed the entire back nine, Mr. Willoughby's searched through the doll house collection at the Mayfair Toyporium, and Pastor Hinkley's wife put out a bayberry and mesquite pie. Still no sign of Annie.  Will Summer Miracle and the gang find the wandering nanna before her Seabond wears off? And what about the Autumn Gallop? Can the girls get Summer back to Whickers and Whinney's before Belladonna MacBride steals the blue ribbon?

On mothers and daughters

Emmaline Dooridley: Does anyone else's mom start a conversation normally, then get into a 15-minute tangent about three people she works with whom you've never met? And it's not about the awesome vacation they had, or the harrowing jet ski accident they survived, but rather, how they once wanted a sandwich but couldn't find one? And you're wondering how to interrupt politely when she asks, "Hey Emmaline, do you work with a Jane Deere?" And you say, "Yes! I love Jane. She's produced a few of my shows." And she says, "Well she's getting married to John Fisher. It's in the Times. Do you want me to cut out the article?" And then you say, "Huh? That's okay Mom." And then she gets mad?

That happened to me once.

Pooch Lakeridge: This sounds like the fairy tale version of the conversations I have with Mama. The non sequitur thing is so insane though. And the going on and on and on. This would be the same conversation you speak of through Mama:

Mama: Well, Darlene at our church - she sings in the choir and has the most beautiful voice. As pretty as yours. Prettier probably. No definitely. Definitely prettier than yours. Anyway, she made this apricot/brie appetizer that was so good I could have eaten the whole thing. But she can't have a baby. It is so sad and we are just praying for her everyday. She is forty though. And the tiniest thing in the world. I mean, skinny like you used to be but with a darling figure that you've never had. A really big chest and a teensy little waist and just darling in every way.

Me: Okay. I should probably go...

Mama: Hey it was in the Rockdale Citizen today that Kelly Carrington is getting married. She is so pretty. I used to think that you were much prettier than her, but not anymore. Of course, she has stayed as tiny as she was in highschool. People are always asking me if you are still the same as high school and I tell them "heaven's no! She's put on so much weight. She's downright chubby now!" and we all just laugh and laugh. Anyway, do you want me to cut out Kelly's picture? You should do your hair like hers, although it won't look nearly as cute on you.

Me: No, Mama I don't.

Mama: Fine. I just won't try and do anything nice for you ever again then. Bye! (hangs up phone)

fin

Emmaline Dooridley: Lord. Our moms are the same. It's endearing/insane.

When is a bear not a bear? (Plus, the best band name ever.)

Rita Muldoon: Hey, WhoreClucks!

WHAT THE FUCK?

Brian Knapsack: Those guys are very muscular and well-groomed. I bet any lady would be glad to date them.

Alistair Kestral: Bears? Most of those guys are gym boys with beards! Has the term "bear" become so vague that these guys can claim it? NOT ON MY WATCH!

Mildred Darling: Or mine! Or Dave Hill's!

Rita Muldoon: I completely agree. This is an outrage. All the pool scenes show well-groomed chests and backs. And they're dressed like an 80's James Spader vacationing on Nantucket.

This is a complete misrepresentation.

WhoreClucks: These guys are sort of representative of the "musclebear" contingent, which is where the "twinks" grow beards and sort of move into bear territory. It is kind of funny that they're all smooth-skinned.

I am more offended by the fact that their song is a horrible medley, and that their dancing is terrible.

Oh, you know who is a good person to ask? My friend's boyfriend, Tortoise (who is on my rugby team)... because Tortoise originally had the idea for a bear band called "Bear Supply" and believes that this group is a pale, pale rendition of his Platonic ideal of such a thing.

Pooch Lakeridge: When my improv group went to Austin two years ago we were walking down the street and passed this guy talking on his cell phone. Here was the conversation we overheard:

Dude on cellphone: I know. Well, the thing that was scary was that the minute I got there I was attacked by bears.

I knew what bears were in the non-Yogi sense, but still the construction of his sentence caused me confusion for a good thirty seconds. I was looking at him for signs of mauling. And then I remembered.

Every time I think of that I laugh out loud.

Rita Muldoon: Did you check his anus?

Pooch Lakeridge: No, but from the way he was talking I imagine it had evidence of quite a mauling.

On The Pick-Up Artist

Pooch Lakeridge: About this Pick Up Artist show on VH1... or not the show exactly, but the dude, Mystery. What the motherfucking fuck is that dude?

First, he wears a fuzzy black hat. You know the kind. Like the one that girl from 4 Non Blondes wore in the video for "What's Up." The kind of hat who's very existence makes me question why we aren't all required to wear uniforms.

Second, dude uses the moniker Mystery. Really? Fuck you, douche face. Although I guess your name is fitting because it is a motherfucking mystery to me how any woman (much less several women) have ever let you put your no doubt pierced, feathered and otherwise bedazzled jizz rocket in their hatchet wound. Yikes riding bikes.

Third, dude "travels around" with his two wingmen Matador and J Dog. MATADOR???? Uh uh. No. I'm very sorry sir but absolutely not. I will never call you Matador, I don't give a shit what you do to me. Fuck off.

Fourth, they showed them "picking up" women at a club in LA. There are no words to describe the horror. If these women weren't plants, then Lord help us all because if these women are choosing mates and then procreating, we are motherfucking DOOMED. These dudes are supreme DOUCHES. They do things like wear goggles and ask women to buy them drinks. Also, Mystery is a former magician. Gag.

Yes, I did watch this show. There is some deep vein of self hatred in me that insists I subject myself to such atrocities. I may even watch it again, but this show had me cringing and leaving the room multiple times, so I may not watch it again.

For more information on that hotty Mystery, check out this sickening interview http://www.salon.com/mwt/feature/2007/08/06/mystery_qa/

We disagree about whether tattoos are "over"

Colin Kantzor: At first, I was just going to openly ask what the deal is with bad tattoos, which seem to be all the rage ("Awesome tattoo! What is it?" "It's a star and then a really long, thin line that arcs over here to a pork chop with pollen on it." "Oh, so why is there a paragraph-end mark by your thumb?" "Uh... that's a separate tattoo, idiot."), but then I realized I have the power to call "over" on the whole shebang!

Whee!

Brian Knapsack: Don't get me started on tattoos! DON'T GET ME STARTED!!!!

In my ideal world, you're only allowed to have a tattoo if you're a dude who's in or been in:

1. prison
2. a biker gang
3. the military, but you have to have actually killed at least 1 person

If you're a woman, you're only allowed to have a tattoo in comedy movies, the joke being "Wow, a chick with a tattoo, that's hilarious."

Also? I think you got me started.

Carlyle Mendoza: I don't have that much of a problem with the concept of tattoos, but living in Williamsburg and the East Village has decreased my tolerance of the tattooed. I was admiring this woman's dachshund on Bedford when I was shocked to see a cheesy portrait of the same dog (or its predecessor) tattooed on her calf.

Really? Your dog? I guess.

Blubell Abernathy: I do really dig tattoos. I might get one.

But I love really awful tattoo stories in the worst way. I saw a girl on the train (in Queens, natch) with a tattoo of fries and a shake on the back of her upper arm. Not even specific fries and a shake... some generic brand. With a squiggle of color on the front. Like you got them from the cafeteria.

WHY WOULD YOU GET A TATTOO OF THAT?

Mildred Darling: So you're saying I shouldn't go forward with my "Snack snack" tattoo idea? [Mildred's dog is named Snack.—ed.] Come on, it'll be so cute for five minutes!!!!!

(I like tattoos too.)

Emmaline Dooridley: I feel like there are a lot more neck tattoos than there used to be. I saw a WalMart checkout girl a few years back with PROPERTY OF STEVEN written right across her jugular. She was about 17. I wanted to take her home and raise her right.

Brian Knapsack: I know a Williamsburg hipster girl who intended to get "Virginia" (her home state) tattooed on her arm or something. The tattoo came out saying "Virgina." At first the girl was pissed but now she likes it. Kind of in the same way I imagine burn victims must eventually become okay with their gnarled, pink, hairless faces.

Rita Muldoon: I met this tardo white power skinhead years ago that had intended to get "whitebreed" tattooed on his arm but accidentally got "whitebread." The great part is that either one of those choices is completely retarded.

This clown also has the white power band "skrewdriver" tattooed on his FOREHEAD. well, to be fair, Isn't that so adorable?

Alistair Kestral: I think it would be cute if Mildred got a tattoo portrait of Snack, with Snack saying "Racial Holy War."

Pooch Lakeridge: I like tattoos alright. I am not a solid enough decision maker to get one though. Sometimes I see one that is really cool or cute and think "Oooh. I want that." But then I remind myself of the nose ring I've wanted since 8th grade (just a tiny little stud on the side of the nostril) that I've never gotten because I didn't think I could pull it off and for other snot-related reasons.

That being said, I have known so many douches who were really into tattoos. My best friend from college's husband was one of them. He got a tattoo of the letter M on his arm. We asked him why and he was like "that's been a really significant letter in my life". To this day that is one of the stupidest things anyone has ever said aloud in my presence.

Don Ameche: When he raises his arm, and the M becomes a W, does he lose his identity?

On No Reservations

Pooch Lakeridge: I'm disappointed in Aaron Eckhart for doing that movie which looks like a big old pile of dog crap. No Reservations? Yeah, I won't be making nooo reservations to see that movie!

Alistair Kestral: That movie is so foul looking. They managed to squeeze every cliché of the toilet-like genre of the modern romantic comedy in the trailer. The hideous child that encourages the adult to "go for it." Bemused laughter from the hunky, carefree male lead at the flustered resistance of the female lead. The ZANY way she stabs the raw meat on the table. (Foodies totally get that!) If this movie were a person, I would bash it to death with a parking meter.

Bruno Curvy: Totally bros! "How's that for rare," she says and the meat is totally raw? In your face! I love a movie that can have attitude AND a tender side with a message. You know?

I also like the part when Aaron Haircut goes, "I'm totally gonna bone your aunt in her fudge factory," and then Little Miss Sunshine goes all, "ewwwww, poopoo dicky," and they all laugh and realize that they are now a family.

Pooch Lakeridge: Oh for reals! Or like, when she is getting all mad at him and doesn't notice that her apron has caught on fire and he very, very, very casually points out to her "You're on fire" and then he smirks and walks off while she frantically tries to put out her apron fire. Man, that is worth 11 bucks right there! Because guys? She was on fire. And what did he do? He didn't freak out, he didn't come to her rescue. He sat back, played it cool and then let her know what was up, knowing all the while that she could be burning the fuckability out of her pussy. But whatevs, right? There's plenty of unburnt pussy out there for a cool guy like him, you know what I'm saying?

Bruno Curvy: And THAT'S why she eventually sheds her tough exterior and gives him the snappy nappy.

Damn right. Works evray time.

Brian Knapsack: Anybody wanna go tonight?

Bruno Curvy: I'm going to be busy tonight. I'm using the litter box as a pillow and letting my cats shit in my mouth. I'll wait for that shit to come on Channel 9.